This may give my age away but the day before I got married, my mother told me, “Sex is something women just have to grin and bare. But don’t worry , you’ll get used to it.” I remember being totally horrified and shocked. I shouldn’t have been. My mother did bring the subject of sex approximately seven years earlier, when she asked me if I had the “curse.”
Believe it or not, this was not terribly unusual in very Catholic subcommunities of New Orleans before the “pill” and Roe v/s Wade. The first half of the sixties were no more “mind-blowing” for most people that the “ignorance is bliss” and “sex is for men and for women to use to control men” fifties.
Why do I bring up all that old garbage? I bring it up because sexual ignorance is still a problem in the 21st century. Instead of enjoying the full range of sexual freedom and communication the pill gave us, many women are still acting like they’re under the influence of the Victorian Era.
Then, playing games meant dolling out sexual favors to control your man. Unfortunately this destructive , to both parties, behavior has not totally ceased to exist. Then again, at least young women of this century know that sex can be wonderfully fun for them too. They’re just not always sure how to get the most romance, foreplay, and satisfaction out of their relationships.
Playing with sex can be wonderful for verbal and non-verbal communication. Using sexual massage, games, toys, and role-playing are ways to explore awareness that broaden intimate and sexual awareness. Sexual technique is not important. Sexual communication resulting in emotional closeness is. Technique will improve; as you and you rpartner understand each other’s emotional needs more fully.
There is one technique, if you want to call it that, which I recommend. It’s called preference or always giving a choice. Whenever you try something a little new or different (which I highly recommend you do often), always give a choice. “Do you like it better this way or the other way?” The idea is that sometimes one does not want to say if they don’t like something you are doing for them. This gives them the opportunity to praise what they like and not put down what they do not.
This technique works as well out of the bedroom as in.
Within the choices given, you are responsible for inital options. Your choice of options will help your spouse know more about who you are. It’s a form of communication, understood on the feeling level rather than on the intellectual level.
Sometimes men say, “I don’t like what she wears, it comes off anyway” or “she looks sexy in my old T-shirt.” Both of these attitudes are but one option each. If it seems to be a preference, then it should be fine for most times but do ask yourself; 1) Are you expressing yourself sexually? 2) Is this way resulting in wonderfully romantic times? 3) Does it encourage new and innovative communication and sex-play? I say if the answers are yes, go fo it. It seems to me that as much as I like steak, I would not want it the same way every day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year.
The foundation you build now is setting the stage for all future acts. Be open to knowing him and letting him know you on the deepest feeling level. Sexuality between two commited people is the core that binds. It is totally beautiful and spiritual expresion of love.
Ignorance about sexuality, as in most areas, is stupidity – not bliss.